People pleasers are a specific type of person driven by a desire to please everyone, keep the peace, and put other's needs before their own... or at least that's what they'll tell you! In My time as a Domme, I've encountered a large number of "submissives" who were not actually behaving in a submissive manner at all and were instead just people pleasing. There is a distinction between the two and it's rather important.
Let's get this out of the way first: People pleasing is a selfish act. It is not done for the benefit of other people, it's done because the people pleaser's sense of worth is directly tied to other people's praise and adoration of them. They need people to like them in order to feel that they have value as a person. If you're thinking that still doesn't sound so bad, let's talk about what happens when a people pleaser inevitably can't please someone.
It's impossible to please everyone. That's a reality of life... but it's a difficult pill to swallow for a people pleaser. They will try their hardest to please everyone, say yes to everything, and they'll ignore their own needs in the process. This leads to a couple different negative outcomes.
The first negative outcome happens when a people pleaser is faced with the reality that someone is upset with them. Perhaps they double-booked so they wouldn't have to say no to two different people who asked to make plans with them, or they over-promised and didn't have the time or energy to fulfill commitments to multiple people. Now someone is upset with them... what does a people pleaser do?
They avoid! The reality that they couldn't please someone leaves them feeling worthless, and this feeling is unbearable because they don't have practice regulating it... they've spent their whole life trying their hardest to avoid anyone being disappointed in them. It's too painful! So they avoid the person, avoid thinking about having let someone down, and therefore never end up taking any responsibility for their actions which hurt another person. This is a barrier to personal growth, and growth is necessary in order to be a good submissive.
The second negative outcome happens down the road, when the people pleaser has been ignoring their own wants and needs for a long time. Even though they are the one making the choice to ignore their own needs, it doesn't feel like a choice to them... so resentment grows. When it finally reaches a breaking point, the other person gets blamed for benefitting from the people pleaser's martyrdom. Sometimes a people pleaser is self-aware enough to know that blaming the other person is nonsense, but the result is the same- they distance themself from that person because they realize it's no longer sustainable to fulfill their needs. More avoidance!
Every relationship with a people pleaser is a ticking time bomb, because they lack boundaries and that's NEVER going to create a sustainable dynamic. There's an expiration date looming that the other person is often completely unaware of, because it's not being communicated to them that anything is wrong. The people pleaser probably doesn't even realize anything is wrong yet!
This type of behavior is not rooted in a desire to serve and worship, it's rooted in dysfunctional emotional regulation.
It's not always easy to spot the difference when first interacting with a "submissive", but one thing to look out for that's a dead giveaway is how the person communicates boundaries. If you give them an order that they're unable to obey, how do they respond? Is their response focused on THEIR feelings and suddenly you're having to reassure them? Do they get irritable with you and imply that you're asking for too much? These are red flags. A submissive with healthy motivations for serving should be able to communicate that they can't complete the task with the appropriate amount of regret and respect (and an explanation of the circumstances) without making it a big deal. That's because their worth as a person isn't tied to their fear of disappointing people!
Realistically, it zaps all the fun out of a D/s dynamic and turns the whole thing into a chore if I have to constantly take care of the sub's feelings anytime they feel like they've let Me down. A reasonable amount of reassurance isn't a problem, but with people pleasers it tends to be constant. I've run into this in most service arrangements I've had over the years, which has led to Me choosing to just do tasks by Myself. It's much less energy to just do it Myself than it is to navigate the minefield of a people pleaser's delicate self worth. Of course, not all of My service subs have been this way- I've had some wonderful, very secure subs serve Me! They tend to be the exception rather than the rule with service arrangements, because being a Domme's service sub is a very attractive opportunity for a people pleaser (in theory).
So... what motivates you to serve? Is it selfless or selfish? If you're a sub and you've identified yourself as a bit of a people pleaser after reading this, what do you plan to do to address that and become a better submissive (and person)?
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