It's a story as old as time. You finally gather up the courage (and money) to book a session with a Dominatrix, and then, out of nowhere, your grandpa/uncle/dog/friend/girlfriend dies. Or you have a sudden work emergency. Or your parents decide to visit you from out of state. Or [insert commonly used excuse here].
While these things do happen sometimes, they certainly don't happen with the frequency that those in My industry hear about them happening. It's been a long-running inside joke amongst sex workers that booking with us greatly increases the chances of a death in the family. We are perceptive people; that's what makes us so great at what we do. We know when you're lying to us. And that's fine. I understand what's happening, so it doesn't really matter to Me whether you're truthful about it or not.
As long as you respect My time in the process. But let's talk about that more after doing a deep dive into what most often makes y'all cancel.
Fear & Anxiety
The reality is that in the majority of these situations, fear and anxiety hit as the session time looms closer. You don't know what to expect, and I'm a complete stranger. BDSM is intense and can be dangerous when not practiced properly. If you're new to BDSM, you may be worried that you won't enjoy it as much as you do in your fantasies. Perhaps you are just full of anticipation and excitement, which, due to similar neurological and physiological symptoms, can be perceived as anxiety. To alleviate your discomfort, you cancel and feel immediate relief. You make up a lie to save face and/or keep the door open to potentially booking again when you're feeling like less of a chicken shit. Ultimately, you want to serve Me; you're just scared. That's normal and expected.
Have you ever ridden a rollercoaster? If you can remember the very first time you rode one, you probably remember being terrified. Terrified while you stood in line waiting for your turn. Terrified as you buckled into your seat. Terrified all the way up that very first hill, until the car reached the top and started careening downhill. And then you were THRILLED! Seeing a Dominatrix and having all your fantasies come to life is a very similar experience to riding a rollercoaster. Leading up to the session, you're full of excitement, fear, curiosity, and maybe even apprehension. Once you show up and the session begins, you realize how absolutely exhilarating it is to not be in control. To just be along for the ride.
Letting go of control is VERY difficult for most people. It's often the most difficult for people who need to let go of control the most. It's a protective mechanism; as long as you're in control, you feel safe. Of course, that's just a nice little lie your brain tells you, and the truth is that it's exhausting to be in that hypervigilant state at all times. Your brain yearns for an opportunity to shut down the parts that have been working overtime, nonstop!
I won't dismiss this as something easy to work past, since issues with letting go of control can stem from traumatic events. If this is something you find difficult, working with a therapist is always a good idea! But you should know that the best way to overcome any mental rut is to force yourself to do the opposite of what your brain is telling you. The pathways in our brains that light up when we behave in certain ways are much like muscles; the more you use those pathways, the "stronger" they get. That is to say, if you always avoid situations where you aren't in control, your brain will find it very difficult to behave differently. You've used those pathways so much that they've become the default. In order to break that behavioral pattern, you have to embrace the discomfort and choose to do things differently, so you can start to "strengthen" those neural pathways instead. It's actually incredible how much control we have over our own brains.
Shame & Stigma
This one is a whopper, and it has a lot of layers to it. Seeing a Dominatrix is not something our society fully accepts as "normal" or "respectable" behavior. BDSM is definitely more widely seen as acceptable now versus even 10 years ago, but adding the money exchange to the picture changes things. Sex work carries a high burden of stigma and is seen as shameful by many people, and even if you don't consciously think that, you could subconsciously still feel like seeing a sex worker means that you are "desperate" or a "pervert" or any number of judgments that are shown to us in popular media and regurgitated by the masses. Most of you seeking a Dominatrix's services know these things are untrue, on a logical level. But our feelings don't always follow logic, and sometimes as a session approaches, these uncomfortable feelings of shame well up and make you doubt your decision to see a Dominatrix.
The effect is multiplied when certain kinks are involved that fall even further outside social norms (or outside of the social norms that were in effect when you were growing up). For example, I receive the largest amount of (usually last-minute) cancellations for sessions revolving around toilet play, forced bi, cuckolding, and feminization. Social norms for men in this realm are much stricter than they are for women, due to the pressures of toxic masculinity. It's not uncommon for a man to feel shame for having a desire to simply take the submissive role, since men's worth is often dictated by how dominant they are.
On top of all that, if you were raised in a strict religion (or perhaps are still involved in one), you may have even more complex feelings of shame about seeking out fulfillment of your desires. I have worked with many subs who were taught as children that the consequences of giving in to their natural, harmless erotic urges would be eternal damnation and/or being abandoned by their loved ones when the rapture came. It can be difficult to overcome the effects of this type of childhood trauma, even if you no longer believe in those teachings. As for those who are currently involved in a strict religion, it is possible to reconcile your beliefs with your desires. I am not a religious person, but if I suspend My disbelief momentarily, I feel like any God who loved you would want you to be happy and fulfilled instead of living a life full of denial and shame, as long as your happiness and fulfillment didn't harm you or others. There is room for a more personal and individual interpretation of your religious values.
The same strengthening of neural pathways I discussed before is at play when you give in to your feelings of shame and allow them to dictate your behavior. Shame is a useful emotion when it prevents you from behaving in ways that could harm yourself or others, but most of us feel shame about all sorts of harmless things that ultimately aren't worthy of the emotion. These feelings of shame should be acknowledged and then challenged by applying logical thought to the situation.
How to Cancel with Respect
Realistically, there are going to be times when none of the previous issues are at play and life just gets in the way of your plans. If you need to cancel and it can't be avoided, it's very easy to do so in a way that demonstrates your respect for other people's time and labor. Refusing to follow these steps would be an example of a situation where shame is an appropriate emotion because you aren't behaving in a respectable manner.
Communicate the need to cancel as soon as you become aware of it. If you suspect you might have to cancel but aren't sure, it's generally a good idea to reach out and let Me know that, and then update Me as the situation develops. The more notice you can give, the better.
Adhere to My cancellation policy, which is explained very clearly here. The policy is located here so that anyone coming to My website with an interest in booking a session will see it, if they are a good sub and actually read things.
A small but unfortunate portion of those who cancel end up ineligible to ever have a session with Me due to their refusal to pay the cancellation fee as detailed in My cancellation policy. I firmly believe that if a person doesn't find it necessary to pay this fee, they lack some basic respect for either a) other people in general, b) Women in general, or c) sex workers specifically. Either way, that's not a person I want to share My time with.
Understanding My Cancellation Policy
I feel that it's unlikely for this type of person to have a change of heart based on any logical explanation of the aspects of My cancellation policy, but I'm going to explain the reasoning behind it anyway for those who, like Me, have an analytical mind and also because I want to believe that people can do better.
Please note that I am considering making My cancellation policy a bit more strict in the coming weeks and will update this blog to reflect that when it happens. Here is the current (as of 1/16/24) policy:
Due to the amount of preparation and planning that goes into each session, those who cancel within 24 hours of the session time will be required to tribute 50% of the total amount in addition to any deposits or dungeon fees that have already been paid. Failure to do so will render you ineligible for future sessions with Me. I will also require full tribute at the time of booking for any sessions booked after a same-day cancellation.
My sessions aren't something I just show up to and wing. I sit down the night before each session and look over all the information you've provided to Me, read over our correspondence, and then plan out the session so it's mutually enjoyable and flows in a way that maximizes your ability to experience subspace. This is not a quick process, and I put this amount of care and consideration into My session planning because I enjoy what I do and because I take Domination seriously as both a passion and a career. After I've done that, I make a list of all the gear and implements I'll need for the session and make sure everything is accounted for and in proper working order.
If your session is My only session or My first session on a particular day, I begin preparations for the session at least FOUR HOURS before the start time. Not only does this involve personal grooming and primping, but also getting the space set up for the specific activities your session will include and organizing all the implements I'll need in a way that will allow Me to focus entirely on you during our time together with no distractions. If you cancel after these preparations have begun (or are nearly complete), that's a massive waste of My time and energy without a cancellation fee.
Something I've heard from a handful of clients is: Why is there a cancellation fee if I already paid a deposit? Isn't that what the deposit is for? Why doesn't the deposit apply towards the cancellation fee?
When you schedule a session with Me and send either a deposit or dungeon rental fee, that small amount only serves one purpose: to hold the date on My calendar. That deposit insures that you are at least a little financially invested in actually showing up, and that setting aside My time for you won't be a complete and total loss if you end up canceling with at least 24 hours notice. I keep My deposit amounts extremely reasonable—they are much lower than many others in the industry—because, when given proper notice, I can usually fill your time slot with another client due to high demand. When you cancel within 24 hours of the session, there is not much likelihood of being able to schedule, communicate with, and plan for another client. That's why a cancellation fee applies when the cancellation is so last-minute. If I had no cancellation fee included in My policy, I would end up with a ton of fake bookings every month and wouldn't make enough money to be able to continue offering My services. If you want to have access to Dominatrixes, you need to do the bare minimum to make sure We can continue to operate successfully. RESPECT OUR TIME.
It's also worth noting that Dommes do talk to each other, so it's likely going to hurt your chances of seeing other Dommes as well if you neglect to pay Our cancellation fees after canceling at the last minute. You may think that you're getting away with something, but ultimately, this type of self-centered behavior ends up being self-sabotage!