**A note: This blog post is going to largely focus on the particular troubles that men have seeking and dating Dominant Women, but there is certainly information herein that would benefit people of all genders who seek Dominant partners!
It's impossible to find a Domme who wants a relationship, right? Submissive men can be found in all corners of the internet bemoaning the difficulties they have finding Dominant Women to date. On the surface, it does look like a numbers problem - there are far more submissive men than there are Dominant Women. It can feel frustrating, lonely, and even hopeless for single submissive men who want a female-led relationship with a FemDom. Some of them, out of desperation, end up seeking out vanilla or even submissive women and trying to coach, coerce, or mold their partners into being something that doesn't come naturally - only to end up still disappointed in the end. Others date and marry vanilla women and seek out fulfillment of their desires from Professionals like Myself.
In reality, it's not hopeless at all and there are other options! Adjusting your approach to dating even just slightly can easily make you stand out amongst the herd of men in a similar position. If it's a numbers problem, you simply need to focus on making yourself more desirable to Dominant Women. Even just making yourself less off-putting to Dominant Women puts you leagues ahead of the vast majority!
That may sound hyperbolic, so I'm going to sum up some of My off-putting experiences dating as a Dominatrix and Lifestyle Domme. I want to paint a clear picture of what that looks like since it's something submissive men often have zero awareness of, and it's critical information in order to truly understand how to increase your chances of finding a Dominant girlfriend. Once I've gone over what behaviors to avoid, I'll share some ideas for steps you can actively take to make yourself into a more desirable submissive partner.
These are some of the most consistent, repeated scenarios I (and other powerful Women in My circles) encounter while dating:
subs so rarely encounter Dominant Women "in the wild" that they believe I'm fake and expect Me to convince them I'm real (essentially asking for "verification" as if they were seeking out Professional services online- a vibe killer).
subs expect that dating a Domme means that every date is like a paid session with a Dominatrix. My clients get My intense focus and undivided attention because I'm financially able to dedicate that time and focus to session planning thanks to the tributes I receive for that time. If you expect your Girlfriend to have the time and energy to dedicate to frequent, elaborate, earth-shattering scenes, you're going to need to financially ensure that She can set that time aside for you.
subs have extremely unrealistic expectations for Female Led relationships- such as expecting Me to micromanage their every waking moment and essentially care for them as if they're a helpless infant without My supervision. This is absolutely exhausting to even think about, and not sustainable in any way. And no, I'm not interested in you moving in with Me for free and not having a job so that you can be a 24/7 slave while I pay all the bills.
subs don't consider that I have My own desires when it comes to BDSM, and instead view and treat Me as a Kink Dispenser machine who only exists to fulfill the fantasies they've held for decades. Anything they do that is polite or kind is viewed by them as putting "coins" into that dispenser- it's plain and simple manipulation. This is dehumanizing and the complete opposite of a turn-on. Dominant Women aren't blank canvases for you to project your fantasies onto - We come with Our own fantasies!
subs go from 0 to 10000 in the blink of an eye. They've had these unfulfilled desires for so long that they have absolutely no chill and end up putting a bunch of pressure on Me to hurry up and be the Domme of their dreams instead of letting things progress naturally like they would in any other dating scenario. Most Dommes probably start out with Their own degree of excitement about the possibilities of playing (I certainly do), but pressure will very quickly dry that right up. In other words, a large majority of the time y'all are sabotaging yourselves by being clingy and pushy and needy.
subs get the opportunity to actually date or be in a Female-led relationship with Me, and they put zero effort in. They neglect to follow through on tasks when given, have to be reminded frequently instead of putting systems in place to remind themselves, and just generally don't treat the opportunity like the rare blessing that it is. If you are given the opportunity, you need to bring your best to the table.
subs approach Me with statements like "I'm looking for a Domme to serve" or "I'm looking for someone to make me Her slave". They make it clear that they aren't interested in Me, specifically, as an individual. They will take any Dominant Woman who is willing to have them. When you're interested in dating ANY woman you should be trying to make Her feel special, not reminding Her that anyone who shares that one characteristic with Her would be equally fine. This is fetishization.
Men insist that they want a Female-led relationship with a Dominant Girlfriend, but are not willing to put in the work to reframe their patriarchal view of the world. They don't want to let go of control, they want to top from the bottom. Their perception of a Female-led relationship is absurdly male-centric, because it's based on a masturbatory fantasy. In a true Female-led relationship, the Dominant Woman doesn't spend all day catering to what turns Her sub on. She focuses on Her needs, and the sub should as well.
subs who do end up dating a Dominant Woman will often respond in an extremely unproductive manner when their Domme tries to correct or critique their behavior for the first time (and many subsequent times). Their egos are delicate and they aren't used to being criticized by Women, or they are people pleasers who feel that their worth as a person is based on whether or not they do things right. They might respond with defensiveness, or pouting, or some other maladaptive behavior. If you aren't open to criticism, you'll make an awful submissive and a very frustrating partner.
After reading that list, perhaps you're convinced that you don't do any of those things. You may even feel angry- I must hate men to have this perception, right? Unfortunately these are overwhelmingly common experiences, and if you are a submissive man who is actively trying to date and you aren't doing any of these things... why are you still single? Because these behaviors ARE so common, Dominant Women who are looking for submissive men to date will usually jump at a man who doesn't do any of these. Beyond just eliminating those problematic or unproductive behaviors, which is truly just the bare minimum you need to do in order to have the chance at dating one of Us, there are steps you can take to make yourself an overwhelmingly attractive choice.
Steps you can take to prepare for dating:
Educate yourself about Feminism and Women's struggles.
Go to therapy and work on growing as a person, unlearning toxic masculinity, and communicating effectively.
Learn how to care for and groom yourself. Put effort into how you dress and take pride in your appearance.
Aim to further your career so you're financially comfortable, or at least financially stable. Work on your credit score.
Learn how to do domestic tasks that have historically been considered "Women's work" - and learn how to do them well. This includes cooking! Learn how to fold a fitted sheet.
Practice listening more than you speak when you have conversations with Women.
Learn skills that may be useful to a future Dominant partner, such as how to give a pedicure or how to give a therapeutic massage.
Read about Women's pleasure and focus on it if you're having vanilla sex with Women. Ask how things feel, ask if there's anything they'd like you to do differently. Be open to criticism and aim to become the best lover you can.
Steps you can take while dating:
Ask questions, instead of making the conversation about you and what you want. Show that you're interested in what She thinks, and pay attention so you'll remember what she says. Make note of things if that's helpful for you.
Use manners and show gratitude for the opportunity, if you're given one.
Be willing to try new things if they please Her and they aren't a hard limit for you.
Think about practical, unsexy ways you can make Her life easier, and then offer to do those things. Don't surprise Her by just doing them, let Her lead.
If you are aware of faults that make you a less than perfect partner (no one is perfect!), try to come up with workarounds to address them so they have less impact on Her. For example, if you struggle with remembering to complete tasks, carry a notebook or download a reminder app for your phone.
Let Her know you're thinking about Her. Pick up Her favorite treat when you go to the store, and other similar small gestures.
Don't bring up playing or other kink-related topics - let Her bring it up if and when She's interested in doing so.
Avoid over-promising and under-delivering. Only promise what you know you can follow through on.
That sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it? I can promise you it's nowhere near the amount of work the majority of vanilla women put into being an ideal partner for mediocre men. If you want to have the Female-led relationship of your dreams with a Dominant Woman, you can either do the work or you can keep whining on the internet from your lonely bedroom. It's actually completely within your control. As a last little note, I want to say that although this blog is written from the angle of helping subs date Dommes, it's really a labor of love for all the powerful, beautiful Dommes out there who desire a submissive partner but are jaded from being approached by so many lackluster suitors. My hope is that some of you will really take this guidance to heart and it will create a better dating pool for Dommes everywhere!